The choice is not really just black and white anymore, I've found grey.
Music: Kate Perry - Hot n' Cold
Today I've been to one of my meetings at the hospital. The first time I had to go there I was so scared, like they wouldn't belive me, or worse, didn't think I had anything to do there because I wasn't sick enough. I am, apparently. I used to be so scared about what people would say. " I go to meetings at the Psyche-ward" isn't really a good conversationstarter even with your friends if you get my point. We talked a lot about what's been happening over christmas and new years, how I handle the boy I used to date and then of course we talked about some of my eatinghabits. I can't really say that I've stopped anything I used to do before I started to go there. But the thing is I acctually try to, well at least sometimes, change my way of doing things. At the same time I go to read newspapers like aftonbladet, expressen and others and find like a zillion articels about how this NEW diet would work, ways to "do it right" and other things. I've tried to at least not purge as much since the new year and I'm quite proud of myself. The thing is I've gained weight and this kills me. I want to cry, purge, anything not to gain more weight. I also battel with insomnia which of course makes me even more hungry. I just feel so lost and set in my ways sometimes. Like I'm out of hope, but I'm not. I don't miss even one session at the hospital, I try to change things, take charge.
I've cleaned out my closets, like, for real. I really have to much t-shirts and sleeveless shirts. I have only ONE pair of bluejeans since my other pair gave up like yesterday and the fabric was so worn out that it decided to make this big hole on the back of my thigh. Well anyway, the cleaning out my closet thing has been something I wanted to do for quite some time now. I've started the new year by ordering books on how to simplify my life and to get things done. I thought that IF it works perhaps I can cut down on the stress in my life. I also orderd a book about how to become a friend to your own body. I'll let you guys know how I like them later.
Today I've been to one of my meetings at the hospital. The first time I had to go there I was so scared, like they wouldn't belive me, or worse, didn't think I had anything to do there because I wasn't sick enough. I am, apparently. I used to be so scared about what people would say. " I go to meetings at the Psyche-ward" isn't really a good conversationstarter even with your friends if you get my point. We talked a lot about what's been happening over christmas and new years, how I handle the boy I used to date and then of course we talked about some of my eatinghabits. I can't really say that I've stopped anything I used to do before I started to go there. But the thing is I acctually try to, well at least sometimes, change my way of doing things. At the same time I go to read newspapers like aftonbladet, expressen and others and find like a zillion articels about how this NEW diet would work, ways to "do it right" and other things. I've tried to at least not purge as much since the new year and I'm quite proud of myself. The thing is I've gained weight and this kills me. I want to cry, purge, anything not to gain more weight. I also battel with insomnia which of course makes me even more hungry. I just feel so lost and set in my ways sometimes. Like I'm out of hope, but I'm not. I don't miss even one session at the hospital, I try to change things, take charge.
I've cleaned out my closets, like, for real. I really have to much t-shirts and sleeveless shirts. I have only ONE pair of bluejeans since my other pair gave up like yesterday and the fabric was so worn out that it decided to make this big hole on the back of my thigh. Well anyway, the cleaning out my closet thing has been something I wanted to do for quite some time now. I've started the new year by ordering books on how to simplify my life and to get things done. I thought that IF it works perhaps I can cut down on the stress in my life. I also orderd a book about how to become a friend to your own body. I'll let you guys know how I like them later.
The dish
Music: Three Days Grace - Animal I have become
I decided to write my dirtiest secret so I get it out there once and for all. I find it difficult to talk about it since I've been hiding it more than half my life. I didn't even tell my ex, or my best friend. It was after I was dumped by the love of my life, the person I wanted to have a future with that I decided I needed to change myself. I've made so many choices that ended up hurting me so much because of this. I suffer, and I honestly belive I suffer now, from an eating disorder mostly known as UNS. More specificly it means that they can't really say that I have bulimia or anorexia or binge-eating or whatever, I do it all. I've done it all.
It's so scary to write the words. I'm almost shaking. I started off by telling a friend about it. She confessed to having som sort of binge-eating habits and wanted to tell me to stop talkning about working out, diets and losing weight all the time. After I confessed to her some (ofcourse I wouldn't tell her ALL my shit, give me a break, it was my first time) of my habits some weeks went by and I told my mum n dad when we went shopping for food. I really never know when or where to have THE talks. Kind of funny when you come to think of it I guess. They didn't say much, of course they wanted me to take action by myself, after all, I'm an adult, and let's be honest I'm in my late 20's. After like another 2 weeks of me stumbling back n forth to the mirror looking at myself with selfhatred ( every day is usually the same) I decided my mother should perhaps call some doctor so I could get some help. I'm quite embaressed about it but hey, like I haven't tried and tried n tried to quit my bad habits like a zillion times through the years.
I decided to write my dirtiest secret so I get it out there once and for all. I find it difficult to talk about it since I've been hiding it more than half my life. I didn't even tell my ex, or my best friend. It was after I was dumped by the love of my life, the person I wanted to have a future with that I decided I needed to change myself. I've made so many choices that ended up hurting me so much because of this. I suffer, and I honestly belive I suffer now, from an eating disorder mostly known as UNS. More specificly it means that they can't really say that I have bulimia or anorexia or binge-eating or whatever, I do it all. I've done it all.
It's so scary to write the words. I'm almost shaking. I started off by telling a friend about it. She confessed to having som sort of binge-eating habits and wanted to tell me to stop talkning about working out, diets and losing weight all the time. After I confessed to her some (ofcourse I wouldn't tell her ALL my shit, give me a break, it was my first time) of my habits some weeks went by and I told my mum n dad when we went shopping for food. I really never know when or where to have THE talks. Kind of funny when you come to think of it I guess. They didn't say much, of course they wanted me to take action by myself, after all, I'm an adult, and let's be honest I'm in my late 20's. After like another 2 weeks of me stumbling back n forth to the mirror looking at myself with selfhatred ( every day is usually the same) I decided my mother should perhaps call some doctor so I could get some help. I'm quite embaressed about it but hey, like I haven't tried and tried n tried to quit my bad habits like a zillion times through the years.
Jealous or what?
Music: Radiohead - Creep
I keep making bad choices in life. I try so hard to do the right things and I either fail or I don't get the credit for it. Like yesterday when I went bowling with a couple of friends and the boy I recently tried to date.
After the game ended the boy decided it was the right time to tell me what a WONDERFUL friend I had, She was SO great etc etc. Okey I thought, maybe I'm just a bit uneasy about the situation. We all went out to bar afterwards and he continued to show my friend (who is dating one of our mutual friends and is totally in love with him btw) pictures of his friends and family, his dog and other stuff. Needless to say I didn't get to see those pictures. He then continued by taking my friends picture like a million times. I was quite hurt since well, he told me just before christmas that I'm his second best friend in the world and that he loves me. He didn't take my picture. Not even once. Maybe I'm just jealous but I can't help it. I arranged the evening for his sake, I booked, called friends so that HE could meet them. Instead I just got to feel like I'm not good enough again. Like nothing I ever do will be good enough for him.
The day after christmas I caught him chatting up a girl who didn't seem all that keen on him. He then came up to me and started touching me like a boyfriend would. I told him that he couldn't touch me like that anymore.
I got so hurt. He made me feel like I was only a backup, someone he would take if noone else wanted him. it still makes me feel like crying but I didn't then and I still don't cry about the bloody boy. He's not worth it. The last month or so he has hurt me so much I'm surprised I havent kicked him in the nuts or something yet.
I am humiliated. I feel like I'm a big laughingstock. People tell me that he has been crossing the line a while back and I have to agree. I'm way to nice, way way way to nice.
I keep making bad choices in life. I try so hard to do the right things and I either fail or I don't get the credit for it. Like yesterday when I went bowling with a couple of friends and the boy I recently tried to date.
After the game ended the boy decided it was the right time to tell me what a WONDERFUL friend I had, She was SO great etc etc. Okey I thought, maybe I'm just a bit uneasy about the situation. We all went out to bar afterwards and he continued to show my friend (who is dating one of our mutual friends and is totally in love with him btw) pictures of his friends and family, his dog and other stuff. Needless to say I didn't get to see those pictures. He then continued by taking my friends picture like a million times. I was quite hurt since well, he told me just before christmas that I'm his second best friend in the world and that he loves me. He didn't take my picture. Not even once. Maybe I'm just jealous but I can't help it. I arranged the evening for his sake, I booked, called friends so that HE could meet them. Instead I just got to feel like I'm not good enough again. Like nothing I ever do will be good enough for him.
The day after christmas I caught him chatting up a girl who didn't seem all that keen on him. He then came up to me and started touching me like a boyfriend would. I told him that he couldn't touch me like that anymore.
I got so hurt. He made me feel like I was only a backup, someone he would take if noone else wanted him. it still makes me feel like crying but I didn't then and I still don't cry about the bloody boy. He's not worth it. The last month or so he has hurt me so much I'm surprised I havent kicked him in the nuts or something yet.
I am humiliated. I feel like I'm a big laughingstock. People tell me that he has been crossing the line a while back and I have to agree. I'm way to nice, way way way to nice.
The Titel
Music: Ani Di Franco - Not a Pretty Girl
It took me a while before I even started to think about writing again. After a talk with one of my friends I decided to do it, at least for myself.
This is my story, my wishes and my hopes. Like it or not, this is my truth.
This is my Choice.
It took me a while before I even started to think about writing again. After a talk with one of my friends I decided to do it, at least for myself.
This is my story, my wishes and my hopes. Like it or not, this is my truth.
This is my Choice.
